WoW

This post is for everyone that knows me as a video game / computer dork. Here's proof... and fuck you for calling me a dork.

All I have to say is WoW. For those of you not hip to the l33t-speak, WoW is short for World of Warcraft. It seems to fit though since that game is brilliant... as in, "Wow!! WoW kicks total ass!" I thought I was done with the video game addiction after I got over Quake 2, but WoW is like the methadone to Quake 2's heroine. Now I'm addicted to the methadone... and I hate it... but love it so much it's blowing my mind. For anyone that even remotely likes computer games and has an internet connection, buy the game and try it out. I'm trying to recruit others into my downward spiral of addiction.

BasketBrawl

Ok, this has been the talk of most media for the past few days, and I sense people are getting sick of it so I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Pacers vs Pistons and the riot that ensued. Here are some of my opinions.

#1) Ron Artest is a complete jackass and needs to be thrown out of the NBA. ANY player that's been suspended 8 times previous and then attacks fans for a 9th suspension would be kicked out. Shit, he was thinking about retiring anyway to persue his dream of becoming a hip hop artist, right? There you go jackass, go be the next Rapper to get shot for being an ignorant thug just "keepin' it real".

#2) I'm embarrassed to be a Pistons fan right now. Sure you can say that this could have happened anywhere, but the fact remains that we are a championship team and WERE apparently world-class fans. Many stories here in the area came out about how responsible we were as fans and how we were a very strong factor in the Pistons championship run. Why then do we have to ruin it by throwing cups of beer, softdrinks, and food at a visiting team? What the FUCK were the dumbasses doing on the court when they got punched by O'Neal and Artest? Where was the security keeping the retards off the court? I think what I'm most upset about is now, as a Pistons fan, I will be bunched in the same category as these jagoffs that caused the riot.

#3) Could the Pistons organization fuck Rick Carlisle any harder up the ass? First off, his coaching style is VERY similar to Larry B. Dumars was already on his way to setting up the team for Ricky C with a team-oriented approach. So as soon as LB becomes available they fire Rick and hire in LB. Look, I love having Larry Brown as the coach for the Pistons, but I honestly think that Rick Carlisle would have done just as well. Then, the Pistons face the Pacers in the Conference finals last year and beat 'em. Mind you, O'Neal was playing on 1 leg after a nasty-looking hyperextension of his knee. Now come to present day and look what the Pistons managed to do to his team. The Pistons fans managed to take out the top 3 players for the Pacers in 10 minutes at the end of a blowout win for Indiana. Pending an appeal by the NBAPA, Carlisle is without all three of his top players for a minimum of 25 games and he lost his best defender for the season (and hopefully for good). I'm not one to defend the Pacers because they're such a good rival for the Pistons, but I just feel bad that Rick Carlisle's ass is bleeding from the constant beating from Detroit.

Put on a Happy Face

Yes, all three of you can smile again, I'm updating my blog. I know it's been a while so here's my excuse. I was getting sick of filling my blog with sarcasm and negativity and since Bush won the election, I didn't have many positive thoughts. At least Powell resigned... even if it's after Bush tarnished him.

What's with all of the commercials on the radio for cosmetic surgery. Seriously, fuck these places. They lure people in with promises of beauty on their commercials and just make money off of unhappy ugly people. Ok, that was harsh. Most of these people dont even need cosmetic surgery. What's up with boob jobs given to 17 and 18 year olds? Do these women *ahem* girls even realize that they're not even done growing? You women gotta realize that you need to let the men (or other chicks) feel all up on the boobies until you're at least 25 before you run out and ruin the naturals. Tell you what, I'll even do it for free.

Ever Wonder what a Tralala is?

We have a winner for the best music video of the year folks. Sheeeeiit, this is song of the year, video of the year, artist of the year. You name the award, and this artist and his video needs to be at the top to win it. Without futher ado, I give you Touch My Tralala. WARNING! Put on some Depends before you start the video, you'll probably poop yourself. A very special thank you goes out to Barry Eye for sending me the link to this little gem.

Who needs religion?

I was driving home when it suddenly dawned on me that I've already had religious experiences... even if I'm not a church goer. I also realized that I suck at articulating meaning behind what I say so bear with me on this one.

I dated a completely non-religious, if not atheist chick. Never in my life had I ever felt more guilty. I'll go so far as to compare this chick to being catholic... that's what catholisism is all about right? Feeling guilty? Sure. Just like the catholic church where people go to confession and make shit up just so they could say they went, I'd talk to her about superficial bullshit to allow her and myself to feel, temporarily, at ease. Hell, talking is what it's all about right? Just say some shit about something simple to put the band-aid on. Ignore signs that the mole is just a sign of the melanoma quickly spreading throughout your body. We pressed on... feeling guilty but looking good... because we were good church goers, doing the normal church/relationship things. I stuck with it feeling it was the right thing to do. That's what good catholics do right? Regardless of how guilty the church/woman makes you feel for not praying/spending enough time, donating/spending money on her, and believing jesus is my savior/I'm nothing without her, you stick with religion/the woman because it's the right thing to do.

I eventually saw the light. Just like catholisism, what works for a lot of people didn't work for me. Do I regret it? No. I spent a year with her. Sometimes it was good, mostly it was bad. It taught me that I need to have my own way to worship a woman as well as the right woman to worship.

Inspiration? Where From?

I've come to realize the reason for my unhappiness is my fault. My fear is being alone, but I never really care when I lose someone. I begin to think that the only way I'm going to be happy is to have people around, but I never do shit to keep them there. That's what needs to change. Wake up, appreciate what you have instead of bitching about what you dont. Don't dwell on the fact that you broke up with your girlfriend(s) and be miserable about it when you know that you're better off without her anyway. Basically, quit being a bitch.

Polio (1 of 3 people who read this blog), Best of luck to you in the Peace Corps. Heed EB's advice when you're over there. I know you're already going to because you're not a moron, but do what you can to help people over there and learn something from them. It's always terrible to have someone come back from a place like that and all they have to say is how bad they smell and how "stupid" they are. Bring back the knowledge and teach others in the US about 'em. Oh, have a good time and wear your rubbers.

Polio's Bumper Sticker Theme

Here are a couple of my faves that I've seen:

Marriage = (Man) + (Woman)
Call me a liberal commie, but fuck that. Marriage is a union between two loving adults. I'm willing to bet that the percentage of hetero relationships that are abusive is higher than the percentage of homo relationships. I'm also willing to bet that homosexual parents are capable of raising a child just as well as any hetero parents. The problem is, and I'm generalizing here, the people that put bumperstickers on their car stating their definition of marriage are probably worse parents, friends and spouses than a homosexual would / could be. Oh, and unless you're patching up your bumper, you suck for having a bumper sticker on your car in the first place.

Why kill people who kill people just to show that killing people is wrong?
The impact of this really hit me when I saw the John Kerry for President sticker right under it. YES, another liberal commie like me! Regardless of the message and how much I agree with it, you're still a jackass for having a bumpersticker in your rear window.

In the meantime, I have a new favorite SBB chick.

Ahh, Fart-Ass!

EB is a fuckin jerk. I stopped by Sesi Mazda yesterday on my way home just in time to see him close the deal on a new Mazda 3. Nice car... COCK! Take the car I aspired to get and rub it in my face. Thanks FRIEND!

Actually, I'm happy for him. Shit, I need to be if I ever hope to drive it. Congratulations EB. Good choice.

Roll that Beautiful Bean Footage

*edited for content*

Things got a little bit wild on Friday night. Dr Dro got drunk enough to approach the ladies and I couldn't just stand by and let him work the magic on his own. JBone and Stephonia fed me a couple of lines to try and I went to work. I grabbed my chair and dragged it with me over to the table the two ladies and Pedro were sitting at. I dropped my chair off at the empty spot and continued on to the bar for a couple of seconds. I turned around, headed back to the table with the ladies and asked 'em if "This seat was taken". Talk about smooth... I think they giggled at how gay I was, gave eachother the oh-my-god-what-a-loser look. They humored us for around 5 minutes before Dro and I managed to scare them off. We made our way around Pub 13 for another hour or so, joining 2 other groups of girls before we scared them off. Then we headed down to Club Divine

Dr Dro immediately headed for the dance floor to boogie on down. No one else was drunk enough at this point so we hung out at the bar and drank. In a moment of divine inspiration, JBone came up with what is possibly the best pickup line he never used... but I did. Furthermore, it was even approved by the normally conservative Stephonia; a rarity indeed. So I walk up to this group of girls who look like they're enjoying themselves and ask them if they're having a good time. The "face" of the group looks at me kinda funny and says, "Yeah". I proceed to ask them if they're "going wild". She again looks confused and says, "I guess so, yeah." I then ask them if they're "going nuts" and I point to my crotch. Looking like a confused puppy she replies with, "What?". So I calmly as again, "Are you going nuts?" and I point down again. At this point, the chick looks down at my junkyard [Edited to protect the innocent] she screams, "EEeeeeeewwwww!" and pushes me.

What can a person do at this point? Not knowing, I just headed for the bathroom. Needless to say, I got a few strange looks in the bathroom while I was standing at the urinal peeing all over the place. After I was done pissing all over the wall, I made a roundabout path over to the bar where Stephonia and JBone were waiting for me. There they were talking to the ladies about the package I had just given them and I'll be damned if they all thought it was funny... except the chick who pushed me of course. I ended up talking to "Dusty Bottoms" for most of the night and eventually worked her out of her phone number. Dro stole it from me later and tried to eat it before he realized that she has friends and he'd only be fucking himself so he handed the wet napkin back.

Burning Bush Theory

I have a theory about Dubya Bush and Cheney. Dubya is the born-again holy roller that skips along like a big dumb puppy. Basically, he understands a few commands that his advisers give him, but he generally just blurts the few words he knows out at random times like "terror(ist)", "resolve", "god" and "Saddam". When he's not scaring the American people into thinking we're all gonna die if he's not re-elected, he's busy stomping around the world trying to flex the American muscle of god. Cheney on the other hand is the silent, wife-beater type. Sure, in public he looks like he's a pretty soft-spoken guy. But get him behind closed doors and you'll see why he's had 13 bypass surgeries. I can almost see him bitchslapping Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld while Bush sits in the dark corner trying to hide repeating "Cheney is god. Cheney is god."

I caught most of the debates last night between Cheney and Edwards. I find it funny that Edwards talked about how both he and Kerry think define marriage as a man and a woman but those two seem to be all about the homo-love with eachother. Just look at the happy couple on their way to another honeymoon jaunt. Cheney's response to Edwards talking about gay marriage was priceless:

Cheney: Well, Gwen [Gwen Ifill the moderator], let me simply thank the senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter. I appreciate that very much.

Ifill: That's it?

Cheney: That's it.

Nice job Dubya. Try to get the Constitution amended with something your VP doesn't even support... jackass. Looks like Cheney couldn't quite beat the homo-hate out of Bush's bible-banging ass.

Ouch

Angel Soft??? Oow. My ass! Look, I'm not expecting to wipe with something that feels like a wisp of silky cloud or Cool Whip, but I'm also anticipating that it not feel like sandpaper with little shards of broken glass either. Don't mislead me with your think-tank brand name. From now on, I think I need to bring my own TP with me to work. I'm sick of feeling like I just slid down the angel of death's scythe bareass every time I finish up the paperwork.

Speaking of whining like a bitch. This is often what my inner-child looks like at least 4 times on any given day.

I can't wait to hear about Chi-town and how awesome it was. Friends are great... especially for the "I told you so" phrase that I've been hearing so often lately.

Homecoming came and went this past weekend and again, I wasn't able to really hang out for it. Dr Dro needed help with getting his GrandAm running again so I couldn't do the tailgating thing. Wait, what the hell am I talking about. Who tailgates for an EMU football game. They lost to freakin Idaho. Who loses to Idaho?

On a positive note, I got a call from Shane-O on friday. Mostly we talked about the debates, but it was great to hear from him before he leaves for Malawi. I wish him the best of luck. Remember Shane, keep your jimmy hat on.

Jesus Saves?

I've turned into an old man. I can't seem to stay awake to watch the NFL night games. Last night, for MNF's Dallas / Washington game, I was only able to make it through about halfway into the 3rd quarter before my weak-ass dozed off. Goddamn I hate myself. Maybe I need to find god.

I have never sorted out my feelings on god. I KNOW something/someone was looking out for me when I was saved from a potentially horrible situation (E-Dogg and the Bun-in-the-Oven), but I think I'll end up being agnostic for the rest of my life. I'll just try to be a good person and once I die, we'll see what happens. In the meantime, the two most religious people I know are getting fucked. First my co-worker Bill had to go back in for surgery on his half leg to get more cancer removed. Next time I complain, someone remind me of how painful it must be to walk around with a fake leg just after getting MORE flesh removed from the part remaining. God apparently doesn't dish out more than we can take, but fuck that. If he/she/it gives me cancer to the point I lose my leg and then decides it'd be fun to put some more cancer in my stump, I'm pissed and wondering what exactly my worship is doing.

Second, Don of the Cosmo family, found out one of the arteries previously operated on, post coronary, was completely blocked again. Considering he's Pentecostal (read evangelism), I would have thought the spirit of god would run through his system and heal him... as many others of that religion believe. Looks like god IS running through his circulatory system. But he isn't healing. He's busy leaving bits of Jesus fat along the walls of his arteries to try and stop his heart. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. Maybe religion gives both of these guys something to look forward to. Whatever helps I guess, but it seems to me that god is shortening the time to get there.

Pickin' up and Movin' on

Wednesday I took the day off of work. I justify it as a "personal day". Fuck them anyway. I'm hourly so it's not like they have to pay me. Thursday rolls around just after lunch my boss asks me to "come with" him for a minute with a serious look on his face. I'm thinking, "oh shit. I took one too many days off and now I'm fucked". Then he tells me that we're going to a quick meeting with his boss. Oh FUCK. I get in there, shit my pants, wipe my clammy-ass hands on my pants and sit down... in my own shit. Face all hot, he begins to tell me that he wants to make me a more integral part of the company and blah blah blah... To be honest, I don't know exactly what they said to me after that because once I found out I wasn't fired I sorta just smiled and nodded my head a lot. Right now I feel a little bit like Peter Givens. I do just enough to not get fired and they end up giving me more responsibility.

TJ got a call from some company he applied to down in Columbus. I'm sorta hoping that he'll elect to stick around the Detroit-Metro area and keep his existing job at 1270 The Sports Station, but I completely understand if he moves to O.H.10 for more money. Problem is, Dr Dro and I will be bending over and taking it in the rear when it comes time to pay bills. I'd ask EB, but he's stuck... that's probably why he's been so depressed. Along with someone else I know, EB is forced to do what he NEEDS to do instead of what he WANTS to do. Damn responsibilities! DAMN THEM TO HELL! Getting older sucks. What happened to the days of innocence when your parents were on welfare but you were too happy doing stupid kid shit to notice?

Nothing better than Frank n' Beans & Beer

For my homo-lover:
EB: Why don't cats and dogs get along?
DEF: Because they fuckin' suck.

Today I was listening to the AM Sports radio on my way home and the station that I don't normally like actually had a good topic of discussion. Nasty things that people have had done to them or to someone they know. One caller mentioned blowing a snot rocket into someone's coffee and then stirring it with his unit. Another caller spoke of "the poopie dollar". Someone took a dump and placed the turd outside on a sidewalk. Then he placed a dollar bill over the nugget and just observed the fun. Needless to say, if I get drunk enough, I'd love to do the poopie dollar.
All of this talk on the AM got me to thinking about the time I was partying up in Canadia with Shane-O and Bogs. At some point in the night, some douche was sitting awkwardly and not paying attention to the beer he had in his had. Nonchalantly, Bogs unzips his jeans and pulls his beans out from his garden. He then casually walks up to the bottle of beer (still in the douchbags hand) and places them gently on the lip of the bottle. In a case of extreme drunken care that I have yet to witness again he stood there, balls on newly crowned king of beers for what seemed like 5 minutes while everyone laughed and rolled on the floor like giddy asian school-girls who just made their first 10,000 Yen after sucking off a Japanese businessman.

Rollin' rollin' rollin'...

Seriously cockfaces, how difficult is it to put the new roll of TP on the holder? This is a public restroom here at work and who knows how often the damn place is cleaned. PLEASE don't set the freshly unwrapped roll of toiletpaper on the floor or on the handicapped rail. Who knows what's crawling on there? Simply remove the empty paperboard roll from the holder and put the new roll in it's place. I don't need to be wiping my ass with toiletpaper that's pre shit on. Thank you.

Chariots of Fire

So I'm driving home and the best thing that's happened to me all week takes place. I'm on 94 and I'm going for the Willow Run exit. I see the cars coming down the on-ramp, but I figure that since I'm doing 85 and there's about a full mile of opportunity to merge ONTO the highway AND I have the right of way, the lead car will let me pass and then he'll get over. Needless to say, he didn't. So jackass going 50 pulls right out in front of me (again, going 85) and I slam on my brakes. I do a little honky-honk to let him know that he's at fault here as I merge over to the right. What I saw next was almost indescribable.

Captain Mullet!!!

I knew he had to be Captain Mullet because I haven't seen a mullet of that caliber since Barry Melrose in the early '90's. Unbeknownst to me, Captain Mullet has the power to drive with his ass firmly placed on the driver's side of the Billy-Ray-Mobile whilst having his shoulders and head in the passenger side. Furthermore, his mullet must allow for at least a 270 degree field of vision as his regular "people eyes" were fully fixated on me; I was directly to the right of him. You'd think that there could be no more super-powers of the Human Mullet but alas, I witnessed "the ultimate one" of his broad range of powers: You're Number One. As pissed off as I was today, especially on my long drive home and after he cut me off, "You're Number One" and the siting of Captain Mullet makes me feel all warm and cushy inside.

Pulling Weight

It has come to my attention as of late that perhaps people aren't pulling their weight. Who you may ask? How about everyone? While some of us MAY have grown up getting help around the house from a mother, maid, sister, etc... that's called a benefit. Don't hate. I also think it's hilarious that none of what is actually done to help someone is recognized. Just look at what someone ISN'T doing instead of what's being done to help. Then again, this is coming from the same people that generally look at what there is to hate about Bush for reasons of voting for Kerry and not actually looking at what Kerry plans (although I too am one of these people). Look at the big picture and quit pointing fingers.

Work Daze

Today is another boring day at work *knock on wood*. As a matter of fact, the highlight of the workday was my post-lunch, afternoon dump. I know I take a long time on the yitter anyway, but I like to drag the shits out on days like today.
So I'm sitting in there messing with my phone and I start to go through my pictures I've taken. The phone is getting sorta full of needless shite pics so I'm going through deleting them. Then I switch to taking various pictures of the bathroom stall because let's face it, bathroom stalls are full of exciting photo opps: The hadicap-railing. The tiled floor. I even changed my screen saver to a picture of a sailboat that was on the shit-spray can. Kinda neat if you ask me.
Then a stroke of genius hits me and I point the camera phone at my cock. Holy shit it's amazing how large my dong looked on the little 1.5" screen. Then I even fiddled with the "photo effects" built into the phone. So there I was, staring at a picture of my cock on my cell phone in black & white, sepia, and even negative formats... highlight of my day.

The End of an Era

I think it's just easier this way. At least with this blogger thing, I can update from anywhere w/out the need to look up html coding. Seeing as how my major helped me get a job coding html and all...... fuckin EMU.

Horray for NFL Football!

DougEFresh.Net Going Down?

Say it aint so, but it's possible. I need to pay my domain fee, but I'm thinking about killing it. Anyone care?