like a fine wine

I'm 27 years old, but deep down I'm still a hormone enraged teen. I laugh at stupid jokes, I like staring at boobies, I think girls are stupid and I laugh every time I hear someone fart... especially when I'm in the bathroom at work.

Yeah, it's really amazing to see how much I've grown and matured since I was 14 years old. Top it off with the fact that I play video games to the point of detriment of just about everything else (chores, social life, intellecutal activities...) and I've really grown a lot as a human being. To my credit, I cant see myself locking my best friend in the room after he beats me in a game of hockey anymore. I'd still manage to get pissed about a friendly game, but lock the door and go cry... nah, not after 13 more years of life experience. Like I said, it's really amazing to take a step back and see how much I've grown since my early teens.

All that being said, the Pistons won last night against the favored Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals. I'm sure Corey Rumpkin has already masturbated every 10 minutes for the past 16 hours since the Pistons won since he's going to have the Finals matchup he had wet dreams about all season.

Spurs vs Pistons truly is a baskeball fan's porn on primetime tv. Two teams that play team-oriented, offensive ball and aggressive, in-your-face defense. Did I just say "In-your-face defense"? Yet another confirmation that I'm a complete loser.

Just Call me Peter Gibbons

Haysus Kristo it's been a long time since I posted. Let's see how this goes...

I got to take my first vacation in about 2 years during the final week of April. I did absolutely nothing and loved every bit of it. Working for a corporation has given me an even greater appreciation for Office Space. I value my time spent away from my job more and more. Every monday, I find myself working towards the end of the day friday. Is this bad? No. I dont hate my job, I dont hate anyone I work with. I just find my personal time much better than doing shit I have to do for a paycheck.

So while I'm on vacation, doing nothing, I find out my coworker gets laid off. Fuckin great. Here we have a 2 person job and 1 gets laid off. Whoopee! And why? Budget cuts is the answer of course. You're taking a person who worked hard, didn't fuck up, complained a bit, did her job well, and laid her off. Then you take me, pull me into your office, tell me about how she got laid off and why, and then give me a raise.

Corporate America IS Office Space people. You get fuckwads in middle management who dont actually do anything telling the hardworkers what to do. No offense to those who dont have a "formal" education and have made it on their own, but I'd like to send out a good old-fashioned "Fuck You!" to any sycophantical, G.E.D. edjimicated, middle-management rim-jobber. Next time I'm in one of your offices, I'll be sure to let one go on your cushy chair so your boss can smell it when you plop down in it with your pleased as punch attitude.

Sure, I whine and complain that I have a lot of work to do. So would most people that are suddenly found doing the job that took 2 of you to do for the past year. I try not to bitch about it at work but this is MY blog. I DO WHAT I WANT!

Pedro found a job so that's good. I still hear the usual two things from him, but at least I can tell him to fuck off. Now when he says "I'm bored." or "I'm hungry." I can follow it up with "Go pay for something to do." or "Go buy some food." Yeah, I'm witty... Fuck you.

Oh, one last thing before I have to sign off for another month. I got my Jury Duty summoning papers over this past weekend. I'm kind of excited to go, but I'll be missing out on most of my pay. I love how jobs fuck you in the ass for doing your civic duties. Dont put preachy, christian bible bullshit all over my paycheck and then rip me off of most of my pay because I need to be a civil servant for a few days. I think you need to find a new moral compass to help guide your way to ethical treatment of employees. Either that, or take your bible compass and shove it up your ass.

Vegetable Soup

Terri Schiavo this, Terri Schiavo that. Look, I feel bad for the woman... 15 years ago when she had an eating disorder that led to her heart attack / stroke / brain damage. I'm all for preservation of life. I genuinely feel sorry for her entire family for having to go through this. The thing is, she shoulda died a LONG time ago. I dont know the FULL story but isn't it normal procedure to monitor someone like this after her collapse and recovery and decide w/in the first few months whether or not to remove the life support? Isn't that the husband's decision to make right then and there? How did it even come to this poor woman laying in a bed for the next 15 years just chillin?

Please stow your traytables and return your seats to the upright position

I finally got my skinny-ass out this weekend and had a good time. Friday night I was supposed to go out to the bar and watch the P-Stones with TJer, but I had more pressing matters to attend to. Namely, I had to build a rig for the new PS2 vibrator. I call it my sex chair. Damn it makes playing GT4 easier... as well as adding fuel to the dork fire. "Call the fire department! This one's outta control!"

Saturday, I managed to wake up in time to head over to Ypsi for a night out at Divine with the Bro-shat and some others. I got to shake my groove thing a little bit, but the rest of the time I was spittin game with a super hottie... and by spittin game, I mean trying to talk to a really hot chick... and by trying to talk I mean mumbling and bumbling around words like "nice" and "hair". "Hewwo. My name is Dugwus and you hab niiiiice hair." I'm such a fuckin pimp it's rediculous. I think the only reason I actually got her phone number later that evening is because she feels sorry for me being mentally handicapped and figured that I have no idea how to use a phone anyway.

The ladies we were with actually got the super-hottie and her friend to come back to the bro-shats hizzie post Divine to drink and talk some more. I used this opportunity to corner her and scare her into giving me her number. Actually, it wasn't the cornering that did it. I think it was my dancing skills that scared her out of her digits. Scotty (some hot guy with a huge wang) decided that it'd be a good idea to put on a thong and strut his stuff around in front of the ladies, then J-Bone followed suit, so I had to as well. I made J-Nel give me the panties she was wearing. Some nice blue lace do-hickeys made for a woman 5'5" 100lbs... and sans junk in the junkyard. So I got the panties on, but just barely.

The knob out the top and the beans out either side, I ran out to living room where the ladies had just finished laughing at J-Bone's antics. Some sort of techno was blaring so I just let the music take me. Dancing in ladies panties was a new experience for me. For some reason, each hip thrust felt longer and deeper. I got goosebumps on my free-swingin' balls until someone decided to try to flick the kids. That was my cue to head on backstage and put my boy clothes back on.

Whether or not I actually ever talk to this chick again, at least I can tell people that I got a super-hot flight attendant to look at my balls.

Cannon Fodder

For the past couple weeks, why is it that whenever I've take a dump I feel like I'm just wiping the poop around my ass instead of off it? It's like I'm using shit mortar to stick my two brick ass-cheeks together. This wouldn't be bad if my asscheeks were actually bricks... then the damn sandpaper we have at work to wipe with wouldn't hurt so much on the 42nd lap around the Preparation-H 500.

Still playing WoW like a fiend.

Still a big loser.

Got Gran Turismo 4 on PS2 and it kicks ass. Not enough ass kicking to make me stop paying 15 bones per month for WoW, but it's waiting patiently to be my next girlfriend. Especially when my birthday comes and I get my new vibrator. Yeah, she's wet with anticipation... and let's be honest. So am I.

Hold on checking something....
Yep, still a loser...

Cold Days in my Hell

If addiction is hell, mine is populated with trolls, orcs, elves and dwarves. I've realized that yes, I'm addicted to the game. I thought I could avoid getting addicted to any one again, but it's of no use. Any time you're willing to sit down in your basement for at least 3 hours at a time, when it's 58 degrees down there, bundled up with 3 layers of clothing and blankets, and then run out and buy a space-heater just so you can play a couple hours longer before your hands go numb, you know you're addicted. Let's not get into too much depth about my "emotional state" the past few nights when the server was fucked up and kept booting me out. I was angry, sad, remorseful... I felt like I had been betrayed by a girlfriend... which I will never have again if I continue on my current path along the roads of Azeroth/Hell. Someone put some female flesh in front of me. Maybe it'll be the smelling salts to my coma of addiction.

Yeah, so what?

Ok, I know you're dissapointed that I haven't been updating. Yes, I've been playing entirely too much WoW. Normally I update my blog while at work anyway, so that's a non-factor. I've just been busy so deal with it. All 3 of you.

The move came and went... and sucked ass the entire week it took. At least I had the family in town for help. Over the past two weeks I've actually put less mileage on my car than I did during 1 work day commuting to and from work so that's good. All of the money I'll save on gas should come in handy when supporting my drinking habits.

A couple of things have changed since we moved, but most has stayed the same. Dr. Dro quit his job because he had a jackass boss. Don't most people? He's been searching ALL OVER the place looking for a new job... well, he's bee searching ALL OVER the Internet for a job. Who am I to talk though? If I quit my job, I'd be sitting in my computer chair all night, dick in hand, playing WoW. Fuck looking for a job.

Willy Nilly and TJ seem to be settling into the new house as well. I haven't been up in their room for over a week though so I'm not 100% sure on that evaluation... and I don't see them very much since I spend most of my time in the catacombs and they like their upstairs bedroom.

WoW

This post is for everyone that knows me as a video game / computer dork. Here's proof... and fuck you for calling me a dork.

All I have to say is WoW. For those of you not hip to the l33t-speak, WoW is short for World of Warcraft. It seems to fit though since that game is brilliant... as in, "Wow!! WoW kicks total ass!" I thought I was done with the video game addiction after I got over Quake 2, but WoW is like the methadone to Quake 2's heroine. Now I'm addicted to the methadone... and I hate it... but love it so much it's blowing my mind. For anyone that even remotely likes computer games and has an internet connection, buy the game and try it out. I'm trying to recruit others into my downward spiral of addiction.

BasketBrawl

Ok, this has been the talk of most media for the past few days, and I sense people are getting sick of it so I'll try to keep this short and sweet. Pacers vs Pistons and the riot that ensued. Here are some of my opinions.

#1) Ron Artest is a complete jackass and needs to be thrown out of the NBA. ANY player that's been suspended 8 times previous and then attacks fans for a 9th suspension would be kicked out. Shit, he was thinking about retiring anyway to persue his dream of becoming a hip hop artist, right? There you go jackass, go be the next Rapper to get shot for being an ignorant thug just "keepin' it real".

#2) I'm embarrassed to be a Pistons fan right now. Sure you can say that this could have happened anywhere, but the fact remains that we are a championship team and WERE apparently world-class fans. Many stories here in the area came out about how responsible we were as fans and how we were a very strong factor in the Pistons championship run. Why then do we have to ruin it by throwing cups of beer, softdrinks, and food at a visiting team? What the FUCK were the dumbasses doing on the court when they got punched by O'Neal and Artest? Where was the security keeping the retards off the court? I think what I'm most upset about is now, as a Pistons fan, I will be bunched in the same category as these jagoffs that caused the riot.

#3) Could the Pistons organization fuck Rick Carlisle any harder up the ass? First off, his coaching style is VERY similar to Larry B. Dumars was already on his way to setting up the team for Ricky C with a team-oriented approach. So as soon as LB becomes available they fire Rick and hire in LB. Look, I love having Larry Brown as the coach for the Pistons, but I honestly think that Rick Carlisle would have done just as well. Then, the Pistons face the Pacers in the Conference finals last year and beat 'em. Mind you, O'Neal was playing on 1 leg after a nasty-looking hyperextension of his knee. Now come to present day and look what the Pistons managed to do to his team. The Pistons fans managed to take out the top 3 players for the Pacers in 10 minutes at the end of a blowout win for Indiana. Pending an appeal by the NBAPA, Carlisle is without all three of his top players for a minimum of 25 games and he lost his best defender for the season (and hopefully for good). I'm not one to defend the Pacers because they're such a good rival for the Pistons, but I just feel bad that Rick Carlisle's ass is bleeding from the constant beating from Detroit.

Put on a Happy Face

Yes, all three of you can smile again, I'm updating my blog. I know it's been a while so here's my excuse. I was getting sick of filling my blog with sarcasm and negativity and since Bush won the election, I didn't have many positive thoughts. At least Powell resigned... even if it's after Bush tarnished him.

What's with all of the commercials on the radio for cosmetic surgery. Seriously, fuck these places. They lure people in with promises of beauty on their commercials and just make money off of unhappy ugly people. Ok, that was harsh. Most of these people dont even need cosmetic surgery. What's up with boob jobs given to 17 and 18 year olds? Do these women *ahem* girls even realize that they're not even done growing? You women gotta realize that you need to let the men (or other chicks) feel all up on the boobies until you're at least 25 before you run out and ruin the naturals. Tell you what, I'll even do it for free.

Ever Wonder what a Tralala is?

We have a winner for the best music video of the year folks. Sheeeeiit, this is song of the year, video of the year, artist of the year. You name the award, and this artist and his video needs to be at the top to win it. Without futher ado, I give you Touch My Tralala. WARNING! Put on some Depends before you start the video, you'll probably poop yourself. A very special thank you goes out to Barry Eye for sending me the link to this little gem.

Who needs religion?

I was driving home when it suddenly dawned on me that I've already had religious experiences... even if I'm not a church goer. I also realized that I suck at articulating meaning behind what I say so bear with me on this one.

I dated a completely non-religious, if not atheist chick. Never in my life had I ever felt more guilty. I'll go so far as to compare this chick to being catholic... that's what catholisism is all about right? Feeling guilty? Sure. Just like the catholic church where people go to confession and make shit up just so they could say they went, I'd talk to her about superficial bullshit to allow her and myself to feel, temporarily, at ease. Hell, talking is what it's all about right? Just say some shit about something simple to put the band-aid on. Ignore signs that the mole is just a sign of the melanoma quickly spreading throughout your body. We pressed on... feeling guilty but looking good... because we were good church goers, doing the normal church/relationship things. I stuck with it feeling it was the right thing to do. That's what good catholics do right? Regardless of how guilty the church/woman makes you feel for not praying/spending enough time, donating/spending money on her, and believing jesus is my savior/I'm nothing without her, you stick with religion/the woman because it's the right thing to do.

I eventually saw the light. Just like catholisism, what works for a lot of people didn't work for me. Do I regret it? No. I spent a year with her. Sometimes it was good, mostly it was bad. It taught me that I need to have my own way to worship a woman as well as the right woman to worship.

Inspiration? Where From?

I've come to realize the reason for my unhappiness is my fault. My fear is being alone, but I never really care when I lose someone. I begin to think that the only way I'm going to be happy is to have people around, but I never do shit to keep them there. That's what needs to change. Wake up, appreciate what you have instead of bitching about what you dont. Don't dwell on the fact that you broke up with your girlfriend(s) and be miserable about it when you know that you're better off without her anyway. Basically, quit being a bitch.

Polio (1 of 3 people who read this blog), Best of luck to you in the Peace Corps. Heed EB's advice when you're over there. I know you're already going to because you're not a moron, but do what you can to help people over there and learn something from them. It's always terrible to have someone come back from a place like that and all they have to say is how bad they smell and how "stupid" they are. Bring back the knowledge and teach others in the US about 'em. Oh, have a good time and wear your rubbers.

Polio's Bumper Sticker Theme

Here are a couple of my faves that I've seen:

Marriage = (Man) + (Woman)
Call me a liberal commie, but fuck that. Marriage is a union between two loving adults. I'm willing to bet that the percentage of hetero relationships that are abusive is higher than the percentage of homo relationships. I'm also willing to bet that homosexual parents are capable of raising a child just as well as any hetero parents. The problem is, and I'm generalizing here, the people that put bumperstickers on their car stating their definition of marriage are probably worse parents, friends and spouses than a homosexual would / could be. Oh, and unless you're patching up your bumper, you suck for having a bumper sticker on your car in the first place.

Why kill people who kill people just to show that killing people is wrong?
The impact of this really hit me when I saw the John Kerry for President sticker right under it. YES, another liberal commie like me! Regardless of the message and how much I agree with it, you're still a jackass for having a bumpersticker in your rear window.

In the meantime, I have a new favorite SBB chick.

Ahh, Fart-Ass!

EB is a fuckin jerk. I stopped by Sesi Mazda yesterday on my way home just in time to see him close the deal on a new Mazda 3. Nice car... COCK! Take the car I aspired to get and rub it in my face. Thanks FRIEND!

Actually, I'm happy for him. Shit, I need to be if I ever hope to drive it. Congratulations EB. Good choice.

Roll that Beautiful Bean Footage

*edited for content*

Things got a little bit wild on Friday night. Dr Dro got drunk enough to approach the ladies and I couldn't just stand by and let him work the magic on his own. JBone and Stephonia fed me a couple of lines to try and I went to work. I grabbed my chair and dragged it with me over to the table the two ladies and Pedro were sitting at. I dropped my chair off at the empty spot and continued on to the bar for a couple of seconds. I turned around, headed back to the table with the ladies and asked 'em if "This seat was taken". Talk about smooth... I think they giggled at how gay I was, gave eachother the oh-my-god-what-a-loser look. They humored us for around 5 minutes before Dro and I managed to scare them off. We made our way around Pub 13 for another hour or so, joining 2 other groups of girls before we scared them off. Then we headed down to Club Divine

Dr Dro immediately headed for the dance floor to boogie on down. No one else was drunk enough at this point so we hung out at the bar and drank. In a moment of divine inspiration, JBone came up with what is possibly the best pickup line he never used... but I did. Furthermore, it was even approved by the normally conservative Stephonia; a rarity indeed. So I walk up to this group of girls who look like they're enjoying themselves and ask them if they're having a good time. The "face" of the group looks at me kinda funny and says, "Yeah". I proceed to ask them if they're "going wild". She again looks confused and says, "I guess so, yeah." I then ask them if they're "going nuts" and I point to my crotch. Looking like a confused puppy she replies with, "What?". So I calmly as again, "Are you going nuts?" and I point down again. At this point, the chick looks down at my junkyard [Edited to protect the innocent] she screams, "EEeeeeeewwwww!" and pushes me.

What can a person do at this point? Not knowing, I just headed for the bathroom. Needless to say, I got a few strange looks in the bathroom while I was standing at the urinal peeing all over the place. After I was done pissing all over the wall, I made a roundabout path over to the bar where Stephonia and JBone were waiting for me. There they were talking to the ladies about the package I had just given them and I'll be damned if they all thought it was funny... except the chick who pushed me of course. I ended up talking to "Dusty Bottoms" for most of the night and eventually worked her out of her phone number. Dro stole it from me later and tried to eat it before he realized that she has friends and he'd only be fucking himself so he handed the wet napkin back.

Burning Bush Theory

I have a theory about Dubya Bush and Cheney. Dubya is the born-again holy roller that skips along like a big dumb puppy. Basically, he understands a few commands that his advisers give him, but he generally just blurts the few words he knows out at random times like "terror(ist)", "resolve", "god" and "Saddam". When he's not scaring the American people into thinking we're all gonna die if he's not re-elected, he's busy stomping around the world trying to flex the American muscle of god. Cheney on the other hand is the silent, wife-beater type. Sure, in public he looks like he's a pretty soft-spoken guy. But get him behind closed doors and you'll see why he's had 13 bypass surgeries. I can almost see him bitchslapping Colin Powell and Donald Rumsfeld while Bush sits in the dark corner trying to hide repeating "Cheney is god. Cheney is god."

I caught most of the debates last night between Cheney and Edwards. I find it funny that Edwards talked about how both he and Kerry think define marriage as a man and a woman but those two seem to be all about the homo-love with eachother. Just look at the happy couple on their way to another honeymoon jaunt. Cheney's response to Edwards talking about gay marriage was priceless:

Cheney: Well, Gwen [Gwen Ifill the moderator], let me simply thank the senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter. I appreciate that very much.

Ifill: That's it?

Cheney: That's it.

Nice job Dubya. Try to get the Constitution amended with something your VP doesn't even support... jackass. Looks like Cheney couldn't quite beat the homo-hate out of Bush's bible-banging ass.

Ouch

Angel Soft??? Oow. My ass! Look, I'm not expecting to wipe with something that feels like a wisp of silky cloud or Cool Whip, but I'm also anticipating that it not feel like sandpaper with little shards of broken glass either. Don't mislead me with your think-tank brand name. From now on, I think I need to bring my own TP with me to work. I'm sick of feeling like I just slid down the angel of death's scythe bareass every time I finish up the paperwork.

Speaking of whining like a bitch. This is often what my inner-child looks like at least 4 times on any given day.

I can't wait to hear about Chi-town and how awesome it was. Friends are great... especially for the "I told you so" phrase that I've been hearing so often lately.

Homecoming came and went this past weekend and again, I wasn't able to really hang out for it. Dr Dro needed help with getting his GrandAm running again so I couldn't do the tailgating thing. Wait, what the hell am I talking about. Who tailgates for an EMU football game. They lost to freakin Idaho. Who loses to Idaho?

On a positive note, I got a call from Shane-O on friday. Mostly we talked about the debates, but it was great to hear from him before he leaves for Malawi. I wish him the best of luck. Remember Shane, keep your jimmy hat on.

Jesus Saves?

I've turned into an old man. I can't seem to stay awake to watch the NFL night games. Last night, for MNF's Dallas / Washington game, I was only able to make it through about halfway into the 3rd quarter before my weak-ass dozed off. Goddamn I hate myself. Maybe I need to find god.

I have never sorted out my feelings on god. I KNOW something/someone was looking out for me when I was saved from a potentially horrible situation (E-Dogg and the Bun-in-the-Oven), but I think I'll end up being agnostic for the rest of my life. I'll just try to be a good person and once I die, we'll see what happens. In the meantime, the two most religious people I know are getting fucked. First my co-worker Bill had to go back in for surgery on his half leg to get more cancer removed. Next time I complain, someone remind me of how painful it must be to walk around with a fake leg just after getting MORE flesh removed from the part remaining. God apparently doesn't dish out more than we can take, but fuck that. If he/she/it gives me cancer to the point I lose my leg and then decides it'd be fun to put some more cancer in my stump, I'm pissed and wondering what exactly my worship is doing.

Second, Don of the Cosmo family, found out one of the arteries previously operated on, post coronary, was completely blocked again. Considering he's Pentecostal (read evangelism), I would have thought the spirit of god would run through his system and heal him... as many others of that religion believe. Looks like god IS running through his circulatory system. But he isn't healing. He's busy leaving bits of Jesus fat along the walls of his arteries to try and stop his heart. Pretty fucked up if you ask me. Maybe religion gives both of these guys something to look forward to. Whatever helps I guess, but it seems to me that god is shortening the time to get there.