ROCK!!

I had something totally awesome to post about last week, but didn't have time to get to it while at work... so I didn't post it... then completely forgot what it was.

Bogs reminded me that I need to post more often on this damn thing so here I am.

I've been looking to buy a house lately and it's a pain in the ass. First, I called up Rock Financial to find out how much money my poor-ass could get. Speaking of Rock Financial, has anyone else been completely blown away by their recent radio ads? You know what I'm talking about. The ads where it has some really kick-ass 80's style rock guitar riffs and some schmuck singing "The Mortgage Ex---Perts." Then some backup singer chick, "800-333-ROCK!!!!". Then the guy comes back with, "100 years in the League!!". Yeah, by blown away, I dont mean "that's totally lame". I mean it's "so totally kickass that it blows your mind." Yes, David mother-fuckin Hall has finally struck gold with their ad campaign. Nothing says "Home Mortgage" more than White Snake singing 800-333-ROCK. Fuck you "Here I go Again", Hello Rock Financial.

Yeah, so getting all of this mortgage shit taken care of blows ass. Then I had to look at a realtor to help me find a house. I get this email from her this weekend letting me know that I'm too poor to afford anything. I'm beginning to think that me and my life-partner, DrDro, are gonna end up renting for the rest of our lives. We'll be the happy little homo-family renting for the rest of our miserable lives... with our 2.5 kids: 2 cats and a retarded dog.

Wish me luck with my corporate job this week. I cant say why right now, but I need it.

I dont know why because I never really liked the holiday, but I'm actually looking forward to having the kids stop by tonight to get candy. No, I dont like little boys and girls "in that way". I just think it's awesome to see how happy they get when I throw 5 candybars into their little pumpkin containers. I'm gonna end up being one of those crazy fuckers that goes overboard with all the decorations later in life... I can feel it brewing inside of me. Happy Halloween!

Bright light! BRIGHT LIGHT!!!

Just caught Gremlins 2 on HBO the other day... man what a terrible movie. First one, good. Second one, roasted shit on a stick.

Hey Luke Skytalker, you're a social retard. Fuck off.

My ass actually hurts right now from sitting on it too much. It's too bad I'm not fat so I'd have more cushion and could sit longer... but I guess sitting for more than 14 hours a day really isn't necessary since that's what I already manage to do. I'm beginning to form a slight beer gut, my eyes are getting worse, I have constant shit-taste in my mouth, and I'm about as pale as a non read-head can get. Yes, I'm playing way too much WoW. Stay away from this evil game people. Stay away.

I'm finally going to be leaving my safe little basement this weekend for the Sunshiny beaches of San Diego. Maybe I'll even head down to Tijuanna and see how many VDs I can get from the hookers. Who am I kidding? To all of the image-conscious people in the the Southwest, I'm going to end up looking like Paul Pfeiffer. I'm so in.

I fuckin hate flying.

Standing in front of the fan when someone shits in it

First, the good news. CPB emailed me back and I'm gonna make an effort to keep in touch now. Who knows what we're calling eachother now; friends, cocks, aquaintences, former lovers... We'll just see how things go. Gotta get out for a beer with him in Ypsi.

Now the funny news. Seems as though EB got into a little bit of trouble for writing some comment about his ex fucking a meat-head. What a joke. Granted, EB did fly off the handle a little bit, but he in no way, shape or form said anything about her cheating on him. He stated that since he didn't know why the fuck she broke it off and the only reason she could come up with (and a really dumb one at that) was because she'd be moving to CA eventually. When's eventually you might ask. Hmm... recent estimates point to about 1 year. That's right ladies and gentlemen, her reasoning was to break up with him was because she would probably be moving to CA in about a year. I call shenanigans!

To top this all off, since she's a soccer chick living with other soccer chicks, they all have the sorority mentality and come running to her aid like EB did something wrong. Heaven forbid he actually be upset at the fact she broke up with him for quite possibly the dumbest reason ever... or at least wont tell him the truth. Then he states that maybe she'd rather bang some muscle-fuck meat-head. What chick doesn't want to be fucked and mistreated by some jackoff who goes into a 'roid induced Hulk-rage at the drop of a hat? At least he looks good, right ladies? Anyway, back to the pack mentality... So these girls and their soccer-club are pretty much a gumbo of sorority-life with all of the backstabbing, crying, beauty-queen drama mixed with a thick gravy of testosterone from workouts and training. Not to mention these are the same girls that cheat on their boyfriends. Maybe that's why EB's comment struck a chord. Perhaps he's on to your little game, ladies?

And yes, I'm in the defend EB club.

Stay the hell away from me if you know what's good for ya...

Holy shit, what a summer so far. I'm still a dateless basement troll, but so far it seems like a better situation to be in compared to some people I know. Left and right people are going through rough times with their significant others. Tough times people... hot ass, steamy weather and shitty relationship issues. Not a good mix.

Looks like EB is heading out to go hiking or camping or some other homo-erotic outdoorsy, tree-humping thing. No idea who he's going with, but I hope he gets some well-deserved ass. Remember EB, just make sure he drinks a lot of liquor first so he'll be more open to the idea.

rollin rollin rollin... RAWHIDE!

Time for another bi-annual update to the trusty little blog here. I'm thinking people should print out what I have to say here and read it on the shitter. That's where this drivel belongs anyway. I'm still playing WoW... 7 months now. The worst part is, I think I'm more involved now than I used to be. We waited and waited for some others to do it, but I ended up being handed the reigns for the website for the guild website. Hey, I know that increases my dorkfactor by at least 10, but at least I get to work on a website again. I'm nothing compared to EB as far as design goes... or anything else really.

Speaking of EB, he got me started on this whole MySpace deal. Yours truly can be found here. Eric is linked off of my page so you can see his too. Since this whole MySpace thing, he's gotten in touch with some real hotties. Go figure his g/f dumps him and he gets back in contact with young, hot friends. I actually hit him up on IM about it earlier today because I got an idea:

(Names removed to protect the innocent... and EB's chances)

Let's Go LIONS! says:
are you gonna fuck this chick or what?
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
lol
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
YES!
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
after i hump xxx
Let's Go LIONS! says:
fuckin hog
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
dude, i'm such a pimp
Let's Go LIONS! says:
lol
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
here's my message to her:
(blah blah blah it's not important)
Let's Go LIONS! says:
yeah, you're pimp
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
There is so much pimpness I have to offer, i need a wheelbarrow to carry it all around
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
was that good?
Let's Go LIONS! says:
you're so pimp
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
i know
Let's Go LIONS! says:
I'm gonna ride your jock all the way to Pussytown.
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
lol
Let's Go LIONS! says:
GIDEYUP MOTHERFUCKERS!!!
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
Get on BUCK-A-ROO!
Let's Go LIONS! says:
woop! Woop! WOOP!!!
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
lol
Let's Go LIONS! says:
I wonder if I'll last the necessary 8 seconds there at the Pussytown Rodeo.
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
oh, you'll last, b/c you'll have me with you
Let's Go LIONS! says:
lol
Let's Go LIONS! says:
you're gonna be around while I'm fucking?
Hung like Orestes "Macho" Lopez says:
coaching you... telling you everything will be all right

So there you have it. I'm The Bone Ranger's sidekick... Let's RIDE!

like a fine wine

I'm 27 years old, but deep down I'm still a hormone enraged teen. I laugh at stupid jokes, I like staring at boobies, I think girls are stupid and I laugh every time I hear someone fart... especially when I'm in the bathroom at work.

Yeah, it's really amazing to see how much I've grown and matured since I was 14 years old. Top it off with the fact that I play video games to the point of detriment of just about everything else (chores, social life, intellecutal activities...) and I've really grown a lot as a human being. To my credit, I cant see myself locking my best friend in the room after he beats me in a game of hockey anymore. I'd still manage to get pissed about a friendly game, but lock the door and go cry... nah, not after 13 more years of life experience. Like I said, it's really amazing to take a step back and see how much I've grown since my early teens.

All that being said, the Pistons won last night against the favored Heat in the Eastern Conference Finals. I'm sure Corey Rumpkin has already masturbated every 10 minutes for the past 16 hours since the Pistons won since he's going to have the Finals matchup he had wet dreams about all season.

Spurs vs Pistons truly is a baskeball fan's porn on primetime tv. Two teams that play team-oriented, offensive ball and aggressive, in-your-face defense. Did I just say "In-your-face defense"? Yet another confirmation that I'm a complete loser.

Just Call me Peter Gibbons

Haysus Kristo it's been a long time since I posted. Let's see how this goes...

I got to take my first vacation in about 2 years during the final week of April. I did absolutely nothing and loved every bit of it. Working for a corporation has given me an even greater appreciation for Office Space. I value my time spent away from my job more and more. Every monday, I find myself working towards the end of the day friday. Is this bad? No. I dont hate my job, I dont hate anyone I work with. I just find my personal time much better than doing shit I have to do for a paycheck.

So while I'm on vacation, doing nothing, I find out my coworker gets laid off. Fuckin great. Here we have a 2 person job and 1 gets laid off. Whoopee! And why? Budget cuts is the answer of course. You're taking a person who worked hard, didn't fuck up, complained a bit, did her job well, and laid her off. Then you take me, pull me into your office, tell me about how she got laid off and why, and then give me a raise.

Corporate America IS Office Space people. You get fuckwads in middle management who dont actually do anything telling the hardworkers what to do. No offense to those who dont have a "formal" education and have made it on their own, but I'd like to send out a good old-fashioned "Fuck You!" to any sycophantical, G.E.D. edjimicated, middle-management rim-jobber. Next time I'm in one of your offices, I'll be sure to let one go on your cushy chair so your boss can smell it when you plop down in it with your pleased as punch attitude.

Sure, I whine and complain that I have a lot of work to do. So would most people that are suddenly found doing the job that took 2 of you to do for the past year. I try not to bitch about it at work but this is MY blog. I DO WHAT I WANT!

Pedro found a job so that's good. I still hear the usual two things from him, but at least I can tell him to fuck off. Now when he says "I'm bored." or "I'm hungry." I can follow it up with "Go pay for something to do." or "Go buy some food." Yeah, I'm witty... Fuck you.

Oh, one last thing before I have to sign off for another month. I got my Jury Duty summoning papers over this past weekend. I'm kind of excited to go, but I'll be missing out on most of my pay. I love how jobs fuck you in the ass for doing your civic duties. Dont put preachy, christian bible bullshit all over my paycheck and then rip me off of most of my pay because I need to be a civil servant for a few days. I think you need to find a new moral compass to help guide your way to ethical treatment of employees. Either that, or take your bible compass and shove it up your ass.

Vegetable Soup

Terri Schiavo this, Terri Schiavo that. Look, I feel bad for the woman... 15 years ago when she had an eating disorder that led to her heart attack / stroke / brain damage. I'm all for preservation of life. I genuinely feel sorry for her entire family for having to go through this. The thing is, she shoulda died a LONG time ago. I dont know the FULL story but isn't it normal procedure to monitor someone like this after her collapse and recovery and decide w/in the first few months whether or not to remove the life support? Isn't that the husband's decision to make right then and there? How did it even come to this poor woman laying in a bed for the next 15 years just chillin?

Please stow your traytables and return your seats to the upright position

I finally got my skinny-ass out this weekend and had a good time. Friday night I was supposed to go out to the bar and watch the P-Stones with TJer, but I had more pressing matters to attend to. Namely, I had to build a rig for the new PS2 vibrator. I call it my sex chair. Damn it makes playing GT4 easier... as well as adding fuel to the dork fire. "Call the fire department! This one's outta control!"

Saturday, I managed to wake up in time to head over to Ypsi for a night out at Divine with the Bro-shat and some others. I got to shake my groove thing a little bit, but the rest of the time I was spittin game with a super hottie... and by spittin game, I mean trying to talk to a really hot chick... and by trying to talk I mean mumbling and bumbling around words like "nice" and "hair". "Hewwo. My name is Dugwus and you hab niiiiice hair." I'm such a fuckin pimp it's rediculous. I think the only reason I actually got her phone number later that evening is because she feels sorry for me being mentally handicapped and figured that I have no idea how to use a phone anyway.

The ladies we were with actually got the super-hottie and her friend to come back to the bro-shats hizzie post Divine to drink and talk some more. I used this opportunity to corner her and scare her into giving me her number. Actually, it wasn't the cornering that did it. I think it was my dancing skills that scared her out of her digits. Scotty (some hot guy with a huge wang) decided that it'd be a good idea to put on a thong and strut his stuff around in front of the ladies, then J-Bone followed suit, so I had to as well. I made J-Nel give me the panties she was wearing. Some nice blue lace do-hickeys made for a woman 5'5" 100lbs... and sans junk in the junkyard. So I got the panties on, but just barely.

The knob out the top and the beans out either side, I ran out to living room where the ladies had just finished laughing at J-Bone's antics. Some sort of techno was blaring so I just let the music take me. Dancing in ladies panties was a new experience for me. For some reason, each hip thrust felt longer and deeper. I got goosebumps on my free-swingin' balls until someone decided to try to flick the kids. That was my cue to head on backstage and put my boy clothes back on.

Whether or not I actually ever talk to this chick again, at least I can tell people that I got a super-hot flight attendant to look at my balls.

Cannon Fodder

For the past couple weeks, why is it that whenever I've take a dump I feel like I'm just wiping the poop around my ass instead of off it? It's like I'm using shit mortar to stick my two brick ass-cheeks together. This wouldn't be bad if my asscheeks were actually bricks... then the damn sandpaper we have at work to wipe with wouldn't hurt so much on the 42nd lap around the Preparation-H 500.

Still playing WoW like a fiend.

Still a big loser.

Got Gran Turismo 4 on PS2 and it kicks ass. Not enough ass kicking to make me stop paying 15 bones per month for WoW, but it's waiting patiently to be my next girlfriend. Especially when my birthday comes and I get my new vibrator. Yeah, she's wet with anticipation... and let's be honest. So am I.

Hold on checking something....
Yep, still a loser...

Cold Days in my Hell

If addiction is hell, mine is populated with trolls, orcs, elves and dwarves. I've realized that yes, I'm addicted to the game. I thought I could avoid getting addicted to any one again, but it's of no use. Any time you're willing to sit down in your basement for at least 3 hours at a time, when it's 58 degrees down there, bundled up with 3 layers of clothing and blankets, and then run out and buy a space-heater just so you can play a couple hours longer before your hands go numb, you know you're addicted. Let's not get into too much depth about my "emotional state" the past few nights when the server was fucked up and kept booting me out. I was angry, sad, remorseful... I felt like I had been betrayed by a girlfriend... which I will never have again if I continue on my current path along the roads of Azeroth/Hell. Someone put some female flesh in front of me. Maybe it'll be the smelling salts to my coma of addiction.

Yeah, so what?

Ok, I know you're dissapointed that I haven't been updating. Yes, I've been playing entirely too much WoW. Normally I update my blog while at work anyway, so that's a non-factor. I've just been busy so deal with it. All 3 of you.

The move came and went... and sucked ass the entire week it took. At least I had the family in town for help. Over the past two weeks I've actually put less mileage on my car than I did during 1 work day commuting to and from work so that's good. All of the money I'll save on gas should come in handy when supporting my drinking habits.

A couple of things have changed since we moved, but most has stayed the same. Dr. Dro quit his job because he had a jackass boss. Don't most people? He's been searching ALL OVER the place looking for a new job... well, he's bee searching ALL OVER the Internet for a job. Who am I to talk though? If I quit my job, I'd be sitting in my computer chair all night, dick in hand, playing WoW. Fuck looking for a job.

Willy Nilly and TJ seem to be settling into the new house as well. I haven't been up in their room for over a week though so I'm not 100% sure on that evaluation... and I don't see them very much since I spend most of my time in the catacombs and they like their upstairs bedroom.